Strangers in the Night: The Lady and the Tutor

A day before the beginning of Elul, I think I must inhabit an alternate universe. In that universe, I am constantly befuddled. I'm thinking that I should title my blog, Barefoot Clueless Jewish Convert Wading Cluelessly Through a Sea of Torah and a Swamp of Jews. In that universe, G-d's mercy rains down on all of us. In which no one feels alone. Left out. Judged mercilessly. The influx of light is palpable. All of G-d's warmth and fondness for us all encompasses everything. Even when the world has not yet reached the zenith of all hope, the Messianic age, where "the world will be filled with the knowledge of G-d as the water covers the sea" (Isaiah 11:9).

There is something to be said for the Lubavitch view of our times as a massive darkening - like a black hole, a precursor to the coming of the Messiah. Perhaps it is comparable to the plague of thick, impenetrable darkness that befell Egypt. The world does seem topsy turvy. Yet, what is valued of that darkness is so transparently empty; that is the difference between then and now- the darkness is transparent.

I sometimes wonder, am I trapped in some self-perpetuating darkness that I do not see? Is that why things seem not to work for me? That life seems so astoundingly painful among my fellow Jews right now? Geez, I am so new at this! My Old Rabbi (MOR) used to comment that my expectations of Jews were too high. And I would counter, that we received the Torah, so, I do have higher expectations. Especially for people involved to some degree in synagogue life. If not now, when??

This is what I expect: that when I attend services and schmooze afterwards, that I will feel at home, just a little. I certainly am willing to put myself out there, and do, all the time. This comes from my sojourn spent in my old synagogue, where as a committee chair, I learned to let go of my shyness and natural reticence and reach out to others. When you have a passionate cause or a love for something, it is easier to move forward and think about the other and not yourself, to get past the discomfort and squirmy feeling. I, Jewess Candide, wanted everyone to feel welcome and I used to work the crowd after services. MOR used to introduce all the potential converts to me. I very much felt that if I was gonna kvetch about things, that it behooved me to change them. And I worked to change them and I think that this is the only way- to add something, to bring something of yourself. To see, and fill a need. Everyone can do this, for everyone has something to offer. Besides, there is no other way.

But it has been so different at the current synagogue. I am going to steal a page here from Naomi of Baraita , who calls her shul, "Temple Boondoggle", and call the current shul I attend ( it is not 'mine') which I describe as Temple of Judaism Lite, Temple Om Hadash. I have met people at home with G-d who daven their hearts out. Who love a niggun. Who haven't met a Native American niggun they didn't like. Who do talk about G-d and middot and how it is important to change ourselves in order to change the world. A small few who lead services. All of whom seem to not have a clue as to how to interact with others, largely because there is no one to teach them how to reach out. All the older folk have split off. And the one older person who heads the new Chesed (deeds of lovingkindness) committee, told me when I phoned him to offer my services, that they weren't set up and weren't prepared yet so I was phoning at an inopportune time.

This post is a screed, much needed, because I feel so frustrated and let down. I have been attending Temple Om Hadash for 8 months now, because I have nowhere else to go. In all that time, there is nothing there that draws my heart and interest. It's like a series of fantastical disappointments and abortive attempts, and it never seems to come together. It just gets more and more absurd. My experience is further compounded by the fact that in this city I am friendless and without family. And this is where I left my marriage. You can't get more alone than this. Oh yeah, I forgot, I rent a room from Staccato Landlady and the following is the latest incident. I suppose if anyone is in need of friendship and felicity and a helping hand, it is me. I am not destitute, but, emotionally, I am dreaming of Richard Gere these days..... who wears a coat heavy with matter.

This is an email (modified) I sent to my closest (and non-Jewish) friend:

Services were bearable even with the bat mitzvah. I was feeling pretty fine till the spread afterwards. The food was a groaning board of fabuloso. I was pleased.

I sat down with Staccato Landlady's 12 year old son and his bud. Lots of places to sit. Then the Kid's Tutor came along. This guy has seen me around . He knows who I am. He has come to the house where I live. We have been introduced. He sat down across from me beside the bud, totally not meeting my eyes, and ignoring me. This is not the first time he has done this. Even if he is shy, how much effort does it take to say 'hello', at least, or to wish someone a 'shabbat shalom'? He talked to the kids as if he were in a bubble and I was on the outside, somewhere in the ether. I felt deeply offended. I would not be offended by a stranger. He has met me. And it is hard to offend me deeply these days.

Then Staccato Landlady comes along and sits beside the Tutor. So there are the 4 of them clumped together and me with empty seats on either side of me. I felt humiliated, embarrassed and exposed. They spent the entire meal talking amongst themselves and completely ignoring me, not out of hostility per se, but out of habit, out of indifference. This is not old wounds on my part either. It was as if I did not exist. There wasn't even any eye contact. How would you feel?

So the food turned to sawdust. Gradually my delight disappeared. Some things are unforgivable and to me that was it. I've had it with Staccato Landlady and her whining spoiled brat of a Kid who always wants to leave while I'm still eating and whines and cries and bugs as if I did not exist. I blame it on her who should give him a good smack. And I so hate leaving before the blessings after the meal.

I managed to retain my poise thruout until the whiny Kid got his mom to leave. On the way out an Older Gentleman I know was there and asked how I was. He is such a dear. Aw geeze, my face began to crumple and he had hold of my hand and he would not let it go and he kept bugging me and so I said, "I was sitting at a table and got completely ignored....." He was going to rationalise it, I knew, put a good spin on it and then I said, ..."and these were people I know".... He was so compassionate. At that moment his Daughter came along, and her Hubby, and Older Gentleman told them. And then she was holding my other hand and Hubby was hovering and I felt surrounded by all this concern and compassion and they all looked so distressed for me and Daughter said, "you should come and sit with us" and I said "next time I will" and I will I will I will! Of course I was crying a little which I didn't want to do.

Then they asked if they could give me a ride and I said.... and Hubby said, "her ride's here" cause they saw Staccato Landlady and the Kid. I went with them. She asked me what was wrong and was all concerned, and I didn't say anything, And then out the door she asked, "is it me"?.... And I hesitated for the longest time.....and finally said, "no". I don't think she believed me but I don't care. I feel a lot of pain about this.......and discomfort. I know what Staccato Landlady is like, and the Tutor, and basically these are people I don't want to be around, I have nothing against them....Well okay the Tutor, cause his totally bad manners, if nothing else, are unconscionable and he's the one teaching the kids!

I composed myself and chit chatted on the way home and went upstairs. Then she comes knocking on my door, saying when I'm ready to talk or want to talk ... not now she said, tho I thought it was cause she could see I was upset, it was because the Kid wanted to be driven to play baskeball somewhere. And I said, " Yeah, not now, I can't talk now.......and I think she was surprised by the depth of my feeling.

The irony is that the rabbi and the congregation were discussing how giving was so important, anticipating the needs of another were so important. This is something he is always talking about- how we need to connect with others. And yet the simple act of involving me in the circle seemed beyond the awareness of the lady and the tutor. So, how much at Temple Om Hadash is being absorbed? And what do I do now?

Sometimes I think you just need to cut your losses and get out and move on. I plan on sitting with others the next time. I am at the moment very much aware that I am a convert, single, without friends or family in this city. I am what the Torah speaks about- the stranger, the widow, the orphan. It is not dramatic. It is not totally accurate nor necessarily noticeable. But my situation right now represents the essence of the stranger, widow, and orphan in the Torah. Sometimes the darkness is so palpable and so transparent.

I ended my note with the following:

.... I think Staccato Landlady is a good person, just lacking in intimacy skills.

Love,
Barefoot- food sitting in my stomach like rocks now and my Shabbat ruined

Except for my memory of those 3 angels who surrounded me. And I felt love, lovingkindness and G-d's Presence and was shown once again what Judaism is all about. I want to hang out with them!

I plan on it.

--

Update: An epiphany. I' suddenly realise that it was all in the choices I made. I need to increase my radar about what will be beneficial and what will make things more miserable. And stay away from rigid, unchanging characters. Particularly at this juncture in my life, I need to seek out those whose company is healing, not adding to hurts. This last experience has really shaken me. I guess it was the wakeup call I needed.